A Slow Descent

I think this might last awhile, but I think I might finally have a grasp on the reality of it. Whereas before I was still in denial, secretly wishing that there was still a chance, but now it's finally sunk in that it's really over. Part of me was really interested in this burst of emotion, I mean, I rarely if ever seem more then slightly amused or even mad. I mean, crying is pretty far out there. I even took the energy to throw objects and hit things until my hand started to hurt. All the while, a part of me stood back and was amazed that I would ever be so emotional. It was interesting to say the least. Where to go now, what to do now? I guess I have to rebuild my life with a new direction and purpose. I think I'm supposed to reinvent myself or something to truely shrug off all the old for the new and radically different person that I need to be. I guess I'll have to expend alot of energy now.

List of new changes that should go into effect:
1. Be outgoing and friendly.
2. Stop being online all the time.
3. Make a goal and stick with it.
4. Take more chances.
5. Become a domestic goddess.
6. Always love like I've never been hurt before.

(note: Wow, that list makes me want to just do nothing, which is what the old me would do.)
And now some words from the song that best describes the current state of things.

I'm tired.
Cynical and broken, but wiser.
Heavy with a sense of resentment,
but i used to be so much different,
I used to have so much faith
when I started.
You knew that I always meant it.
I knew I could make a difference,
I struggled to be heard
and then finally, one day people started listening.
and I knew it
but as soon as it began it was ruined.
A slow descent from unique to routine,
over and over,
"just do it again and this time with feeling".
The spotlight.
The focus on the friends and the feelings.
That made those stupid songs all worth singing.
And don't you say a word
unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed.
So we drove
for what seemed like days
over roads
and four lane highways.
We said all we had to say
and I realized in time that it didn't mean anything.
Never,
not ever again.
Not like that.
"It's only a matter of time".