Looking up?

Things seem to be getting better for me. The boyfriend hasn't left me and I have a job to look forward to after school is over. Yet all these things being in place, things still don't feel right. I should be feeling pretty damn good now, but I think I just feel the same--sort of depressed and alone. I feel like I'm still going to have to put on a happy face for all those people around me. When I don't think about doing it consciously, then the mask is gone and the observant people note that my face has a truly sad look to it. I've had a few people notice this about me, so I don't believe it to be just the optical tricks of light on any given day. Maybe my hopes are too high and my expectations of people are just too unrealistic, but I really hope that isn't true. It could be that I'm just too ego-centric, too self-involved to notice that people do take some interest in me, that they aren't just waiting for their turn to speak. Which brings about the idea that if someone else were feeling down, I would hope to notice it and be able to help them feel better, but knowing me, I'd be too self-involved at that moment to really notice it and they would think that no one cares about them, leading to a spiral of misery, compounding my guilt and unhappiness, and all would just go to poo. I think I've just had too much time to think about this stuff.

Wake up call, coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you ?
I wonder if we’ll meet again
Talk about life since then
Talk about why did it end

You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one
You made me feel like the one
Made me feel like the one
The one

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

So take a look at me now
So take a look at me now
So take a look at me now
So take a look at me now
So take a look at me now

--Stereophonics - Dakota

Good song, helps the pain go away. Don't worry, the insomnia doesn't stay forever.

Creative emotional outlets

In order to vent some of what I'm feeling, I decided to start a journal of sorts. Mind you, this isn't the adolescent diary with secret locks, but just somewhere I can jot down ideas or feelings or whatever comes to mind. I'm going to try to keep it always near or on my person if I can help it. I got the cool one that I've been eyeing for months, so that did cheer me up some. http://www.moleskineus.com/
I got a small sketch book and the larger one ruled one. I was half tempted to get the squared one to give into my inner need for order and neat little squares for everything, but alas, it would have tried to impose too much order into free-spirited ideas.
Thanks all for the concern, I'll try tokeep a positive look on those things.

Feeling Low

This was one of those days that made me feel like I am the hugest looser ever put on the face of the world. Let's just say that another quarter of school might be a very real possibility at this point, I'm still going to be pretty poor in the future, and probably alone. All of which could have been remedied if I had just been a little more diligent and focused towards a more specific goal then just not having to sit through another lecture.
That being said and done, a friend sent me a personality quiz type thing that was pretty accurate. It's based on the ever popular Jung-Myers-Briggs personality test.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

And of course my lovely results:

INFP

Introverted	Intuitive	Feeling	Perceiving
Strength of the preferences %
100	12	38	67

And here's the descriptive link of my personaity:

http://keirsey.com/personality/nfip.html

It turns out I'm a "healer idealist" type. Of interest to note: " we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in." I guess it turns out that I hadn't done that too the extent that was needed of me afterall and hence the lurch I'm in. Excuse me while I wallow in some misery and guilt for not being able to follow through.

Procrastination will be the death of me

Tuesday will be the last day of school for me. In a way this is somewhat of a momentous occasion considering I've been going to school for the last 18 years of my life. Yes folks, 18 of my 23 years, that's like 78% of my life. Part of me is glad that it's coming to an end because I won't have to suffer through pointless lectures and homeworks, the other half of me is dreading this day because it means I have to grow up and get a job. A job means 9 to 5, five days a week, no ditching a day every week just because the beach is calling to me. For such a momentous occasion, it will all pass without much fanfare or notice. It will pretty much be just another day in the life of, but that can be said of pretty much everything.

Pros of being done with school:

1. No more homeworks
2. No more lectures
3. Earning money from the job
4. No more guilt about tuition costs
   

Cons of being done with school:

1. I'm expected to actually do my work
2. I have to go to work from 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week
3. Parents will stop paying for my stuff
4. Less free time to just chill randomly in the middle of the day
   

The result: Money makes everything better in the end. Job = Money = Fun new toys

All of this is dependent on me actually passing my classes of course, which brings me back to the evil that is procrastination. So much to do, so little time left to not do them.

What happens when you don't want to do your homework

Yesterday, March 7, 2005 - a date which will live on in infamy - I suddenly and deliberately had the urge to blog.