Obsession is bad

So the desperation led to an actual phone conversation. It's weird how hearing someone's voice makes you instantly grow dumb and forget everything that you had planned on saying and just melt you down to a helpless blob. Well, at least now I've heard the rejection in their voice, so I guess that truely is the end. As if throwing items they've given you over the past years across the room wasn't enough to get things out of your system, I have to totally kill everything. Man, I've been mopey lately. How do people stand being around me? The process of removal is going to be slow and painful and probably never over, cuz the level of embededment is pretty damn deep. Thank goodness for friends who worry. Oh, funny thing is when I told the parents, they totally thought this was the end of it for me- I was now going to become a spinster now in their eyes. Thanks alot for the support, parents. ^_^ <--- Happy face is a good sign of recovery. I also decided to get my mind off of things so I started the videogame binge, which lasted all of 20 minutes, but on the upside, I switched to tv and ended up watching a good 2 hours of mindless programming which made me wonder about the state of society. Stream of consciousness writing is the most awesome form of creativity ever regurgitated from the mind of humankind.
I guess I can go back to checking out guys instead of checking out girls to scope out the level of competition. I'm out of practice. I should throw out some specs for potentials. The guy would either have to fit the list or be the complete opposite, in most cases I prefer the complete opposite because I think if you're too much like me, I'd have to hate you, too.

-like music (be able to have a conversation using only titles of songs or lyrics from songs or play an instrument)
-like videogames (I do own all the consoles and need a buddy to play with/against)
-be a complete dork
-like doing things like going outside, trying new things, being fun ^_^

Hopefully that's not asking too much.

An update on the state of my new life changes is in order. Let's see. I managed to be relatively friendly at my cousin's birthday party and I made plans to go to Vegas the weekend of July 4th. Let's hope that I manage to get my lazy posterior out of bed tomorrow for that jog to get the physique into shape for the horror known as bathing suit season. And now some lyrics from the song of the moment:

It's all over but the crying
Fade to black I'm sick of trying
Took too much and now I'm done
It's all over but the crying

Baby we're done

If I could I would
I'd change everything
Cause I can't forget you though you don't believe me
Now I can't walk back
I can't leave behind
Where does it go all the light that we had?

A Slow Descent

I think this might last awhile, but I think I might finally have a grasp on the reality of it. Whereas before I was still in denial, secretly wishing that there was still a chance, but now it's finally sunk in that it's really over. Part of me was really interested in this burst of emotion, I mean, I rarely if ever seem more then slightly amused or even mad. I mean, crying is pretty far out there. I even took the energy to throw objects and hit things until my hand started to hurt. All the while, a part of me stood back and was amazed that I would ever be so emotional. It was interesting to say the least. Where to go now, what to do now? I guess I have to rebuild my life with a new direction and purpose. I think I'm supposed to reinvent myself or something to truely shrug off all the old for the new and radically different person that I need to be. I guess I'll have to expend alot of energy now.

List of new changes that should go into effect:
1. Be outgoing and friendly.
2. Stop being online all the time.
3. Make a goal and stick with it.
4. Take more chances.
5. Become a domestic goddess.
6. Always love like I've never been hurt before.

(note: Wow, that list makes me want to just do nothing, which is what the old me would do.)
And now some words from the song that best describes the current state of things.

I'm tired.
Cynical and broken, but wiser.
Heavy with a sense of resentment,
but i used to be so much different,
I used to have so much faith
when I started.
You knew that I always meant it.
I knew I could make a difference,
I struggled to be heard
and then finally, one day people started listening.
and I knew it
but as soon as it began it was ruined.
A slow descent from unique to routine,
over and over,
"just do it again and this time with feeling".
The spotlight.
The focus on the friends and the feelings.
That made those stupid songs all worth singing.
And don't you say a word
unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed.
So we drove
for what seemed like days
over roads
and four lane highways.
We said all we had to say
and I realized in time that it didn't mean anything.
Never,
not ever again.
Not like that.
"It's only a matter of time".

Heartbreak

It finally happened. The thing everyone is most scared of, the thing that destroys you after you've tried so hard to keep it from happening. That thing is having the person you love tell you they dont' love you anymore and you should "get the fuck out of their life". Something to that extent. What do you do after that's been said to you? Do you lift your chin and pretend those years together meant nothing? Or do you shut down completely and wallow in misery, alone because there's nothing anyone can do to help you feel better. People will be try and you appreciate the effort, but in the end, all you feel is alone. There's that denial stage where you still think you have a chance of getting back together, but deep down you feel that is not going to happen. So then you enter a state of utter depression, where nothing is as fun as you remember it being. You feel restless and anxious, moving from one thing to another, finding no joy in things you previously loved doing. You start to go crazy from the feeling of despair mixed with crazy hope. There's always hope, right?
That's when you start feeling like stalker, because you still care so much about them even though they just pushed you away. Then you feel like a complete looser for being the only one that cares still, because they're probably much happier without your psychotic presence in their life.
Which leads you to start drinking eventhough your allergic and it could potentially kill you. You luck out and it only gives you a severe headache and a bad case of the hives and some unslightly swelling which doesn't matter anymore because you have no one to impress now anyways.
Then you feel like a complete ass for doing what you did to have them break up with you and wish that you had the guts to swerve into the center divider on the freeway. The next time someone tells you that they don't want you to have someone else in your life, you had better listen. Otherwise you end up trying to buy your happiness back, but end up failing miserably and getting yourself into debt with a room full of crap that you didn't really want in the first place listening to tragic songs about love lost because you can't sleep because all you can do is think about them because this is life after your heart has been torn out.

Yay, more DS games

WOOT!

Everyone should be as happy as I am that Atlus decided to make their surgery game for the US audience. It's going to be called Trauma Center: Under the Knife (DS). This and Nintendogs are the reasons I love the DS.

Yes, you should worry about the kinds of games I like to play.

Physical exertion

I am so out of shape.
The new job as a desk jockey is starting to really take its toll. In order to at least slow down the process of getting a flat ass and not fitting into my clothes anymore, I've taken up jogging. Well, actually it's more of a fast walk, but it's supposed to eventually become a running motion. The one thing that I really don't enjoy about this whole thing is having to wake up earlier. I was just starting to really enjoy waking up at 9am. On the upside of things, I have more waking hours in the day now. Unfortunately, this new exercise kick I'm on is causing me to want to do other physical activities like basketball and biking. And of course, I will need a fancy Ipod Shuffle as well.
I just can't win.

Freaking Insomnia

I think the insomnia is coming back, which sucks because I was really starting to enjoy my 8 solid hours of sleep every night. The little sleep I do get seems to be enlivened by dreams of something akin to reality gone wrong. There is no one awake during the wee hours of the night to talk to anymore. Stupid adulthood and regular hours. It has stolen away all that was fun and good. Thank the heavens that there's Adult Swim on at nights.
And of course there's always rambling on the blog.

Peace Out
punk

(I've always wanted to say that.)